Notes on reading the New York Times personals section

1. There are ten columns, and five categories. "Women seeking

men" takes up 8.5 columns; "Men seeking women" takes

up slightly less than one; "Men seeking men" is about half

a column. "Women seeking women" and "Recreation and

hobbies partner" are both so far blank. "You can find the

type of person and relationship you are looking for by placing your

ad in this category today," they say, hopefully.

2. None of the personals include email addresses: the only way to

respond is by phoning 1-900-370-9656 at $5.98 for the first minute

and $2.99 for each additional minute. Or you can phone a toll-free

number and pay $3.49 per minute on your credit card. Just for the

sake of comparison, AT&T’s basic international rates range up

to $1.97 a minute for Burundi, $2.42 for Cambodia, and $2.57 for Chad.

You can phone North Korea for less than it costs to call the New York

Times personals. The highest rate I could find was $3.72 a minute

to Mayotte Island. (Apparently it’s part of the Comoro Islands, northwest

of Madagascar at the north end of the Mozambique Channel.)

3. Before we even start reading the ads we have to read the "legend",

which, along with the standard abbreviations (J-Jewish, F-Female)

includes "A-African American". Quite a few of the ads include

"P-Professional," which seems pretty redundant in this context.

4. If the New York Times deliberately set out to confirm all of the

stereotypes held against it by Texas Republicans and others, it could

hardly have done a better job. We start out with a Jewish teacher,

52, and carry on in that vein for most of the rest of the page. "CULTURE

VULTURE Loves classical music, opera, film, theater, some art. Seeks

male, 55 to 65, with mutual interests." "STUNNING BLONDE

Vivacious, accomplished, statuesque, multilingual, author, lecturer.

Desires extremely cultured and deeply intelligent equal (except for

the "statuesque" part!) male over 50 of any race for intellectual

companionship." "LOVELY MANHATTANITE 5’7", fit, green-eyed,

spirited, warm, Jewish, enjoys the arts, dining out, travel. Seeks

tall, professional, non-smoking, good looking, energetic, 53 to 63,

giving man, similar interests." "IVY LEAGUE GRADUATE SWJF,

61, loves opera, art, concerts, theatre, dining, outdoors, family.

Good-natured. Seeks refined, thoughtful gentleman. Non-smoker."

5. The general age seems to be in the 50s, although it does range

down to "30s". The only younger advertisers are two incredibly

obnoxious men, "ELITIST Socially liberal, elitist, atheist, decaffeinated,

non-smoking, rugby playing, swimming, PHD, 28, seeks equal or superior,"

and "ENGLISH ARTIST 25-year-old WM seeks whatever. I’m financially

secure, gorgeous, live in Manhattan and ready for a surprise."

6. Most of these seem to have cost around $100, plus the $20 which

everybody seems to have paid for inclusion on the website.

Posted in Media | 1 Comment

Sleaze in the UK and USA

The USA is the world’s greatest democracy, right? It has a written

constitution incorporating all manner of checks and balances which

largely preclude the sort of sleaze allegations which have plagued

Cabinets both Tory and Labour in recent years. As if.

The New York Times runs today with an

astonishing investigative piece about New Jersey senator Robert

Torricelli which would automatically result in his resignation were

he a UK MP. The interesting thing about it is that it’s really not

that investigative: it’s obviously based on the findings of a federal

investigation into the senator which began more than three years

ago and which only recently has looked into the obviously sleazy relationship

between Torricelli and David Chang, one of his largest campaign contributors.

The evidence in the Times piece is damning: Torricelli wrote

effusive letters on Chang’s behalf to senior members of the South

Korean government, including the prime minister, in an attempt to

help him buy an insurance company he was ill-prepared to run; he even

brought Chang along to a meeting with the finance minister which was

meant to be about foreign relations with North Korea, something which

forced a formal apology from the US Ambassador.

But Torricelli is still blithely continuing as a senator. Has he

no shame? Well, he is an American. But compared to the sort of activity

which forced the resignation of Peter Mandelson, he ought to be long

gone.

I have a feeling that in the final analysis, the degree of political

sleaze, and the degree of acceptable political sleaze, is directly

proportional to the amount of money floating around parties and politicians.

America has more money than anywhere else, so it’s got more sleaze

as well.

Posted in Politics | 1 Comment

Lulu at the Met

I’ve just come back from a performance of Berg’s Lulu, at

the Metropolitan Opera. It’s a great piece, of course, although weirdly

much of the audience didn’t seem to think so: it was noticeably thinner

by the end than it was at the beginning. I don’t really understand

this: it’s not like people buy tickets to Lulu thinking they’re

getting Puccini. And the crowd was definitely younger than normal

at the Met, something else I found surprising: I don’t see why Lulu

should attract a particularly younger audience than, say, Moses

und Aron or the newly-commissioned version of The Great Gatsby

I went to see there.

I also had a piece of luck; whether it was good or bad I wasn’t sure

to begin with. The eponymous role was meant to have been sung by Christine

Schäfer, who got rave reviews. But she was ill, and instead her

golden stilettos were filled by Cyndia Sieden, someone I shouldn’t

imagine one audience member in a hundred had heard of. I did a little

web search on her when I got back home, and as far as I can make out

she’s a coloratura Mozart specialist who has never done anything like

this at all.

And this wasn’t just outside her natural Mozart turf, it was also

her Metropolitan Opera debut: imagine walking out onto the stage of

the Met, a nerve-racking experience in the smallest of rôles,

and then having to sing Lulu! Understandably, she was a bit shaky

to begin with, and even towards the end she found it quite hard to

project in the spoken parts. Also, while Lulu is certainly

romantic, it’s not mushy, and she did have a tendency to heap on the

syrup a little bit when it came to the high bits.

That said, however, Sieden grew enormously in confidence over the

course of the evening, and by the harrowing end she was Lulu.The

cast, the audience and James Levine all gave her an enormous round

of applause, which was very well deserved.

It’s at times like these that you remember that opera is a theatrical

art, and that the audience and the performers really do connect. Especially

in this production, which had a fair few Brechtian touches such as

the singers referring directly to the Concertmeister Levine,

by the end the successful staging of this performance, with

this lead soprano, was an individual triumph.Sieden might not

be one of the world’s great Lulus, but she touched us, here, tonight.

Posted in Culture | 1 Comment

How the mighty are fallen

What do Goldman Sachs, CSFB, and Salomon Smith Barney all have in

common? They all came in somewhere below Rothschild’s in the European

M&A advisory league tables for the first quarter of 2001. The

Guardian knows where the

story is: the really quite satisfying schadenfreude of Goldie’s

falling from first to eleventh place. (You’ve gotta love the ordinal,

don’t you: it’s the league-table equivalent of the Vauxhall Conference.)

Reuters leads

with Morgan Stanley taking the number one spot, but still gets Goldman

in its headline.

But for me (and this may only be because my Dad used to work for

them) the Rothschild’s story is in a way even more interesting. (Caveat:

This league table is based on one quarter’s figures, and a quarter

which was exceptionally weird in the M&A world at that.It’s certain

that Goldman will go up and Rothschild’s will go down the league table

over the next few quarters. Even so, it’s worth examining.)

Thompson Financial, who generate the league tables, and who I’m not

going to link to ‘cos their site makes my browser crash, have simply

put Rothschild, not ABN Amro Rothschild, in the Number 6 position.

Seeing as how they carefully credit the bizarre entitiy known as Dresdner

Kleinwort Wasserstein, I think we can chalk this one up to the Last

Remaining UK Investment Bank, without even giving the Dutch so much

as a look-in. (Besides, ABN Amro is hardly a major player in European

M&A advisory.)

Now the received wisdom in recent years has been that you’re either

big or you’re nothing; that balance sheets are everything. There’s

always been room for "boutiques," but room only in the sense

of making lots of money for their founders, not room in the sense

of overtaking SSB and Goldman Sachs in league tables. Dresdner Kleinwort

Wasserstein (or should it be Allianz Dresdner Kleinwort… oh, never

mind) might have made number four, but Wasserstein Perella certainly

never did.

And hell, Rothschild’s is English! Everybody knows that English

banks are little more than takeover fodder. All the important investment

banks these days are American, Swiss, or German. There are big and

important Dutch, Swiss and Japanese banks, but they’re all basically

lenders at heart.There are important Italian boutiques, but you know,

that’s Italy for you. The English banks all got bought (Morgan Grenfell,

Kleinwort Benson, Flemings) or died horrible deaths (BZW, NatWest

Markets). And don’t even think about mentioning HSBC.

So what on earth is Rothschild’s doing on this league table? Total

volumes might be pretty low so far this year, but $38.5 billion is

nothing to be sneezed at in anybody’s book. Could it be that large

corporations are finally getting sick of arrogant, overpaid American

whizzkids and are finally seeking a bit more maturity and a bit less

smoke-and-mirrors? Could it be that without the implied promise of

lots of positive research reports from the bank’s analysts, the American

M&A teams seem rather diminished? Could it be that corporations

are now deciding to pay for the best advice, rather than the biggest

name? Could it be among the cacophony of bursting bubbles in recent

months, few people have been alert to the collapse of the myth of

the bulge-bracket M&A titan?

Probably not. But it’s good to hope.

Posted in Finance | 1 Comment

Twisted ankles and jerking knees

Not exactly known for sensationalism, the British Journal of Sports

Medicine has just published what sounds like a very interesting study

showing that among amateur basketball players, those who wore shoes

with air cells in the heel (that’ll be Nikes, then) were four times

more susceptible to ankle injuries. This was reported

by ABC News, which immediately called up a number of doctors who hadn’t

read the report to rubbish it.

There was a Dr Jon Shriner of the Michigan Center for Athletic Medicine

in Flint, Michigan, for instance, who said that "the air-soled

shoes, like those in the Nike basketball line, do not contribute to

ankle injuries," without giving any reasons for his beliefs.

Of course, the fact that Centers for Athletic Medicine probably get

a lot of money from Nike, or at the very least from athletes sponsored

by Nike, would never influence Dr Shriner’s opinion — or get reported

by ABC News.

The article continues: "A major way recreational players can

protect themselves from ankle injuries is to tape their ankles for

more support and to replace their shoes after a month or two of constant

wear. The shoes wear out and so do their support systems." Ah,

yes, of course. A couple of months after buying my new $150 Air Shoks,

I’m going to go out and replace them. I don’t think.

Oh, and I was going to link to the Nike Air Shok page, but the site

is so horrible, with Flash 4 and pop-up windows and no URLs, that

I can’t. Sorry.

Posted in Culture | 1 Comment

Sourcing

Noticed two extremes in anonymous sourcing in daily newspapers today,

both annoying. The first comes from the Guardian:

A source close to Mr Smith said he understood that the museum,

which incorporates the South Kensington Museum, the National Museum

of Art and Design, the Theatre Museum, the National Museum of Childhood

and the Wellington Museum, had "unique difficulties" because

of the sheer spectrum of its exhibits and its duty to encourage

scholarship. But he said the institution, which was founded in the

aftermath of the Great Exhibition of 1851 and pioneered the drive

to bring art and design to working people, had to be able to repeat

the trick for modern visitors.

"The fact is that most people are unsure what the V&A is

supposed to be for, and what they are likely to see there, and that

puts them off."

Mr Smith does not want the "serendipity which is a major part

of the joy of visiting the V&A sacrificed". But he believes

that anyone who has ever tried to find their way through the museum’s

maze of galleries will know there is "ample room for improvement.

The labelling is also often less helpful than it might be,"

the source said.

That was by Fiachra Gibbons, the Grauniad’s Arts Correpsondent. She

makes no attempt at all to conceal who her "source" is,

to the point where inistence on anonymity becomes a joke.

At the other extreme of the spectrum, take a look at Keith Kelly

in the New York

Post:

Said one media observer, "There is no way to

view Powerful Media as anything less than a colossal failure. Brill

is essentially getting paid to take this thing over. He gets to spend

the venture capitalists’ $10 million."

This is New York, ferchrissakes! Everyone is a "media

observer". This is editorialising, plain and simple, in the guise

of reporting. If we knew anything at all about this source, it would

be interesting. But the "media observer" is so vague that

the whole thing becomes meaningless.

Posted in Media | 1 Comment

Profiled writers hit back on the web

In the past week or so, we’ve seen David Kirkpatrick of the New York

Times profile

Dave Eggers, and Michael Wolff of New York magazine profile

Andrew Sullivan. Both pieces were, rightly or wrongly, perceived as

hatchet-jobs by their subjects, who both hit back by airing their grievances

on their websites.

The Eggers/Kirkpatrick spat not only ran to more than 10,000 words

on

Eggers’s site alone, but also

prompted weighings-in from the likes of Slate,

the New

York Post, and, of course, the collected readership of Plastic.

Naturally, the main clearing house for links such as these (as well

as letters

from Kirkpatrick, his friends and his enemies) is Jim Romenesko’s

Media News, which

has a permanent link to andrewsullivan.com

on its home page.

The knee-jerk reaction to all this is to say that it’s a good thing,

that the internet has democratised the media to the point where it’s

become much easier to find rebuttals and alternative views.

Yet virtually everybody involved has emerged from these skirmishes

dimished. David Kirkpatrick comes across as a toadying hack who is

more or less willing to email his entire article to its subject in

advance; Dave Eggers shows himself to be a solipsistic thin-skinned

whiner; Michael Wolff turns out to be the sort of person who would

rather be tendentious than accurate; and Andrew Sullivan only confirms

Wolff’s thesis about his self-obsession. The New York Times, of course,

is revealed once again to be staffed by human beings, rather than

the empyrean creatures of its own lore.

Of course, we can’t turn the clock back, and there is something incredibly

compelling, in a car-crash sort of way, about watching Eggers air

his own and David Kirkpatrick’s dirty laundry in public. But once

again the internet has proved itself best at the cheaply sensationalist,

rather than the genuinely useful or informative. I’m sure that Dave

Eggers would hate to be called the Matt Drudge of the New York Meejah

Community, but in a way that’s what he turned his website into: the

place to go for off-the-record email exchanges and other such jetsam

of the journalistic craft.

I’m sure I’m not the first person to point out that Dave Eggers

has done a lot more damage to his own reputation with his petualant

posting than David Kirkpatrick may or may not have inflicted with

his piece on the paperback publication of Eggers’ book. Certainly

Eggers’ complaints hugely increased the number of people who read

the original piece. But Eggers isn’t stupid. Could that have been

his plan all along? Is this whole thing just a stunt to keep his name

in the headlines? Sounds unlikely, but stranger things have happened

over lunch at Michael’s.

Posted in Media | Comments Off on Profiled writers hit back on the web

Traffic

Steven Soderbergh’s Traffic is a great film, there’s no doubt,

especially when compared to most of the rest of the dross which came

out in the year 2000. I would be very happy if it won the best picture

Oscar it deserves, although I have a hunch it’ll have to make do with

Best Director. But for all its excellence as a piece of cinema, I’m

upset at how it treats the world of drugs.

Traffic was adapted from Traffik, a 1989 Channel 4

miniseries. By necessity, a lot has been lost in the transition from

six hours to 147 minutes: never, for instance, do we see the cultivation

of drug crops or the effect of drugs on the local economies of poor

drug-producing nations. And because there isn’t time to draw out the

individual strands of plot, the interstices between them are reduced

to grating shots where the hand-held camera will pan away from one

character and join another who is moving in the same place but a different

direction.

My main problem, however, is not with Soderbergh’s direction, which

is generally first-rate. The overprivileged teenagers’ drug-fuelled

party, for instance, is perfect. (There are gauche missteps, however,

such as the cop realising, too late, that his partner is about to

walk into a booby trap.) What I object to is the way in which a film

which is generally regarded as providing a pinkish “enlightened” attitude

to drugs in fact adheres much more closely to cinematic conventions

than it does to reality.

The prime example of this is the fact that none of the characters

is a street-level drug dealer. We see a few, in the LA ghetto, passing

crack through letterboxes in exchange for crumpled bills, but there’s

no indication that these are real people, with thoughts and feelings

and motives just like the other characters in the film. The Catherine

Zeta-Jones character, for instance, remains sympathetic even as she

takes over her husband’s drug-running operation, personally transports

cocaine across international borders, and even murders people. Yet

the dealers on the street are basically your stereotypical ghetto

blacks, sans even names.

Or look at the drug czar’s daughter, the addict who is responsible

for him breaking off a White House press conference mid-speech and

flying off instead to be with his family. (Er, right. But hey, this

guy I guess is prone to improbable behaviour: the conservative jurist

decides to turn all vigilante on us halfway through, kicking down

doors and looking very mean in stubble and shades.)

Caroline Wakefield is a rich kid who falls so quickly into the quicksand

of drug addiction that within weeks she’s turned to prostitution.

Now this just doesn’t happen. Sure, the character Jennifer Connelley

played in Requiem for a Dream ended up in more or less the

same place, but only at the end of a very long road, and from much

less auspicious beginnings.

What does a rich drug addict do when she needs money? Sell to her

friends, of course. But that would turn Caroline Wakefield from victim

into Evil Scourge of Society. Selling her body harms only her; selling

cocaine is truly unforgivable.

And of course Caroline’s rehabilitation is something out of a twelve-stepper’s

PR dream. There’s no horrible withdrawal (remember Trainspotting?),

no indication that recovering from heroin addiction is significantly

more traumatic than getting over a drinking problem. Why is this?

Maybe because the film wants to push its trite observation that the

War on Drugs is hypocritical because it would treat addicts like Caroline

much more harshly than drinkers like her father.

I don’t want to overstate my case here. Better that Hollywood produce

films saying that the war on drugs is unwinnable than it inflict upon

us more screeds saying that AIDS sufferers are human (Philadelphia)

or that racism is bad (Dances with Wolves). The Academy, for

some reason, loves these films which make viewers feel saintly in

their preconceived opinions.

And that’s really the saddest thing about Traffic: that it

won’t change a single person’s mind on the contentious issue of drug

policy. I don’t know how many latter-day Nelson Rockefellers there

still are out there; whoever they are, they probably won’t watch the

film, and if they do they’ll consider it bleeding-heart claptrap.

Most other people will probably consider the film pretty realistic,

more or less.

The way I see it, films about contentious issues should be contentious.

They should attack received opinion, in Middle America certainly but

in liberal Hollywood as well. They should make people stop and think,

and maybe get angry. You want examples? Well, Warren Beatty’s Bulworth

is the better film, but the movie I really have in mind here is James

Toback’s Black and White. Now there’s a film that would never

win an Oscar.

Posted in Film | 1 Comment

Mucko’s wish list

The internet is exciting and new, we all know that. And we also know

that it can be used for nefarious purposes. But today I came across

something I never really thought I’d see, although in retrospect it

was obvious it would happen. Michael McDermott, the man who shot

seven people dead in Boston, had a Wish

List on Amazon.com, which anyone can look at.

Amazon’s wish lists are a weird mixture of the public and the private:

they’re not the sort of thing you expect complete strangers to parse,

as surely people across the country are doing now (and as I’m doing

here), yet at the same time they are public documents, reflecting

both your desires and how you might wish to be seen by your acquintances.

McDermott, known as Mucko (he even registered the domain name mucko.com)

describes himself on his Amazon page as “Uncle Mucko, a big, fat, hairy

guy with glasses.” The last bit we already knew about, but the Uncle

bit is disconcerting: there’s nothing avuncular about storming into

your office with a shotgun and blowing away half a dozen of your co-workers.

All the same, the nickname was given to him by his nephews and nieces,

so there’s probably nothing creepy about it.

It seems unlikely that McDermott thought of himself as a person

likely to go postal, and there’s really no evidence from his wish

list that he had any kind of psychopathic tendencies.

McDermott started his wishlist on March 14, with a request for a

VHS tape of Wizards, a very poorly-received animated feature

by cult cartoonist Ralph Bakshi

(Fritz the Cat). With its fantasy-world setting of post-apocalyptic

wizards and elves, it fits right in to the stereotype of what a lonely

nerd like McDermott would like, but in fact it’s atypical of the other

films on his list.

For one thing, it’s the only VHS film on the list: all the others

are DVDs. And for another, it’s obscure. Nearly every other film on

McDermott’s extensive list is a famous movie most cinema-literate

people will know.

The Wish List started getting much more mainstream with McDermott’s

next two additions, on March 20 and 22: The Shawshank Redemption

and There’s Something About Mary œ which still hasn’t been

released on DVD. Both films seem typical McDermott fare: the former

a well-received example of what Hollywood is capable of at its best,

the latter an equally well-received example of Hollywood pitching

itself squarely at the lowest common denominator.

After adding Ace Ventura: Pet Detective on July 3, McDermott

then went on something of a spree July 14, adding 17 new DVDs to his

list. Maybe he expected some friendly person would buy him the lot,

maybe he wanted to give people a large array of films they could choose

from, maybe he just wanted to keep a list of his favourite films.

Maybe he decided to upgrade his collection from VHS to DVD. We’re

unlikely to know for a long time, if ever.

The real heart of the Wish List, however, was added on September

18, when McDermott added 43 new DVDs. There are no books on the list,

no CDs, and certainly no electronic gadgets or garden furniture. It’s

just films.

It turns out that McDermott didn’t have bad taste, really. He was

something of a completist: if he wanted Lethal Weapon or The

Naked Gun, he had to have all of the sequels as well. (Ace

Ventura: When Nature Calls was added on September 18.) But the

themes running through his choices are all perfectly respectable.

There are five Bill Murray films, three each with Kenneth Branagh

and Jack Nicholson, and no fewer than seven Mel Gibson flicks, thanks

to all the Mad Max and Lethal Weapon sequels.

McDermott liked classic comedy, with choices ranging from The

Jerk and A Fish Called Wanda to classics from Tim Burton

and Terry Gilliam. Most of all, however, he liked science fiction:

nothing particularly out of the ordinary there.

Of course, there’s no reason why any of this should come as a surprise.

That Michael McDermott had decent taste in film is no less likely,

on the face of it, than if he’d turned out to have good taste in wine,

or in art. But the difference is that had McDermott’s Wish List turned

out to be full of bloody slasher flicks, all manner of cultural conservatives

would be running out of the woodwork to denounce the way in which

Hollywood corrupts Americans.

But it’ll be hard for anybody to start pointing to films like Total

Recall and Conan the Barbarian as morally dangerous, especially

when they share billing with The Princess Bride and Ferris

Bueller’s Day Off.

Rather, what we have learned from Michael McDermott is that mass

murderers aren’t always hormone-addled teenagers, or illiterate gun

freaks; that they can be funny guys who quote The Hitchhiker’s

Guide to the Galaxy on their answering machines and who get into

trouble with the tax man. In other words, they can be a lot like the

rest of us. Thank god for the big beard, eh: otherwise, McDermott

might seem just a little bit too normal for comfort.

Posted in Culture, Film | 13 Comments

The urge to complain about Some Complaining About Complaining

The king of the post-ironicists, Dave Eggers, has been holding an email

conversation on his website

this week all about how we really should stop criticising people and

start encouraging artists. It’s called Some Complaining About Complaining,

and so far there are 1,

2,

3

sections; I think more are forthcoming.

It’s a very long conversation, which I would recommend you read,

and a short quote can’t really do justice to its breadth or its general

flavour. All the same, here’s one entry from Eggers:

I’ve been in LA this week, and as horrible as it was staying

on Sunset, I do really like the city’s enthusiasm for just about everything,

every stupid ugly cheap thing. I like that they get excited about

making TV shows. That they want to make things, and make them quickly,

and then make more things, and reach people, and make them laugh or

cry or whatever. It’s nice Ò it’s jumpy and desperate in a healthy

and wide-eyed sort of way. They obviously fear death, and this is

good.

Critics in general (and, it must be said, the interlocutors do not

exempt themselves) are, well, criticised for being mean about artists,

be they pop stars or writers or whatever. It’s silly dismissing large

chunks of Bob Dylan’s oeuvre, we’re told; Norman Mailer embarrasses

himself when he pans Tom Wolfe’s A Man In Full; liberals should

stop carping on about where Michael Moore (Roger and Me) sends

his kids to school.

My friend Matthew Rose attuned me to this sort of thinking back

in December, when he made some very unflattering noises about the

New York Press critic Godfrey Cheshire, who had just devoted

a column to criticising the New Yorker‘s Anthony Lane. Whether

Cheshire was right or wrong was beside the point, Matthew said: film

critics have much more important things to do than indulge in public

infighting between each other.

Now, I’m sure I’m nowhere near being on the McSweeney’s radar screen,

but I felt as though the dialogue on the website was aimed straight

at me.

Twice in the past few days I’ve penned long screeds tearing apart

the design of certain websites; follow this link to my “Dancer in the

Dark” piece and you can see me in the same polemical voice

taking apart Jonathan Foreman’s review of Lars von Trier’s latest.

Furthermore, I’m generally a big fan of negative criticism. Anthony

Lane, for instance, is never better than when he’s panning a film:

his Independent on Sunday review of Sammy And Rosie Get

Laid remains, in my mind, the best and funniest film review I’ve

ever read. Or consider Clive James’s review of Judith Krantz’s Princess

Daisy.

So my initial reaction was to try to pick holes in the arguments.

One thing missing from the McSweeney’s debate so far, for instance,

is to be any consideration of criticism as an artform in itself, something

in which quality and artistry can inhere every bit as much as it can

in a novel or a film. I subscribe to the New York Review of Books

not because I want to know which books are good and which bad, but

because the quality of the writing in the Review is so high

in itself. And if criticism itself is raised to the level of an artform,

any imperative not to criticise art would apply equally to negative

criticism.

There’s also a certain element of hypocrisy in what Eggers writes.

He’s just as guilty of putting people down as any of us: consider

this from his website.

Speaking of messes, we would like to invite readers to

visit Slate.com, because your McSweeney’s

Representative last week did a Diary

on that site, and the reaction to it — see “The

Fray” — provides for much fun. Why? Well, see, in a sort of running

theme of the diary, the diarist muses aloud about why there has not,

to date, been someone courageous enough to produce an all-black remake

of The Wizard of Oz.

Yes. Well.

It seems there are a number of people out there, reading Slate, who

are aware that there already is an all-black Wizard of Oz.

And some of them — including one frequent (though, thus far unsuccessful)

submittor to McSweeney’s — were not happy that the diarist was seemingly

unaware of this. Go see and have yourself some fun. You deserve some

fun, with how hard you work and all.

Eggers admits he’s failed to live up to his new high standards in the

past, of course, although this is the relatively recent past. But what

he did in this instance was more than just laugh at people: it was he

who incited those people to do the laughable thing in the first place.

It’s tantamount to asking an entire room to sing, and then having fun

at the expense of those who are tone deaf.

But what’s really important here is not whether Dave Eggers is a

perfect human being or not; it’s whether we (and, more immediately,

I) have been corrupted to the point where there’s more fun to be had

in negative

criticism than there is in positive appreciation.

For all my sarcastic tendencies, people often make fun of my positive

hyperbole, telling me that not everybody in my orbit can be the most

fabulous person I know, that not every movie I’ve seen can be the

best film ever made. Presumably, the New Eggers Philosophy wouldn’t

mind that tendency at all: better to wax lyrical about how Breaking

the Waves reignited my faith in cinema than to snipe about the

shortcomngs of Three Kings.

But I have a feeling that no one holds only positive strongly-held

opinions. If we’re to have a healthy intellectual life, it’s better

that artists grow thick skins than that critics self-censor. I’m not

saying that good criticism is a necessary condition for good art,

although I’m partial to that argument. What I am saying is that good

criticism is worthy in and of itself, and shouldn’t be circumscribed

by exhortations to civility.

If, Mr Eggers, that is, you don’t mind me saying so.

Posted in Culture, Media | 1 Comment

Alex Ross on John Adams

In the latest issue of the New Yorker, the magazine’s music critic

Alex Ross has a profile of John Adams. That, in itself, is no great

surprise, and in fact the profile tells us little new about the composer.

The quality of the writing, though, is very high indeed, much higher

than most of Ross’s work for the magazine.

So in the fashion, perhaps, of Victorian commonplace books, I’m

going to copy out a couple of my favourite passages here.

It is a strange business, composing music in twenty-first-century

America. The job is difficult in itself: it is slow, solitary, and

intensely cerebral. You have to believe deeply in yourself to get

through the process. You have to be possibly a little mad. When you

are done, you have in your hands not a finished object Ò a painting

that can be put up on a wall or a novel that can be read at one sitting Ò but

a set of abstract notations that other musicians must learn and perform.

Then you step back into the culture at large, where few people embrace,

or even notice, what you do. In this country, classical music is widely

regarded as a dead or alien form Ò so much so that jazz aficionados

routinely say, “Jazz is America’s classical music.” To make the counterargument

that America’s classical music is America’s classical music is somehow

to admit that the battle is lost.

There’s some great stuff here. “Cerebral” Ò love that word. “You have

to be possibly a little mad.” And that lovely final sentence, which

isn’t actually the final sentence of the paragraph. Ross ends it with

the assertion that “In such a climate, composers easily become embittered.”

A little bit weird, that, considering that he goes on to detail how

minimalism “reversed the trend toward the marginalization of the American

composer,” how “America’s classical music, then, is alive and well,”

with “a huge new audience for contemporary music,” and how “Adams

is one of the very few American composers who receive a comfortable

income from commissions and royalties.” (Well, Mr Ross, you’re the

reporter, why don’t you tell us what a “comfortable income” is? Presumably

this has been fact-checked; I don’t like the way that there seems

to be a conspiracy between Ross and Adams to prevent us from gauging

for ourselves just how under- or over-valued the composer is, financially.)

But never mind the bricks and mortar, check out the colour:

Adams was something of a child prodigy. He wrote music,

played the clarinet, and, on accasion, conducted the local orchestra,

which was sponsored by the New Hampshire State Mental Hospital. He

had to cope with the fact that the hospital patients who played in

the group sometimes improvised freely during the performance. When

he was thirteen, the orchestra presented his Suite for String Orchestra,

and he became the talk of the village. At this time, he was listening

to little twentieth-century music, although he did fall under the

spell of Sibelius. “I was used to seeing snow and pine trees in New

Hampshire,” he explained. “When I went into the record store, I bought

albums with snow and pine trees on them. They were all Sibelius.”

Adams has takn on many other influences with the passing years, but

he remains loyal to this early one; echoes of Sibelius’s slowly evolving

musical landscapes can be heard in all his major orchestral works.

It’s a very ambitious paragraph, moving as it does from the child

prodigy to the precocious young composer, back to the almost unbelievably

naive child, and closing with a general musical observation. My favourite

bit is the way he jumps from Sibelius to a completely unrelated quote

about New Hampshire’s winter flora, and then manages to tie it up

very elegantly. A bit like John Adams’s own music, in a way. Again,

though, I could probably have done without the final sentence.

Still, there’s one more great paragraph yet to come, which has great

colour (John Adams as forklift operator!), fantastic locations (“the

Arboretum in Golden Gate Park”), and a lovely ending:

By 1972, Adams had had enough of East Coast musical politics,

and he drove to San Francisco in a Volkswagen Beetle. After working

for a year as a forklift operator on the Oakland waterfront, he took

a low-paying job at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music, as a

jack-of-all-trades instructor. He had been studying the writings of

John Cage and began organizing elaborately anarchic Cagean happenings.

For one piece, “lo-fi,” he and his students assumed various positions

around the Arboretum in Golden Gate Park and played 78-r.p.m. records

that had turned up in Goodwill stores. This activity proved no more

satisfying than the highbrow work that he had done at Harvard. In

an autobiographical essay, he wrote that “the social aspect of these

events was piquant, and the post-concert parties were always memorable,

but the musical payoff always seemed elite.’ I began to notice that

often after an avant-garde event I would drive home alone to my cottage

on the beach, lock the door, and, like a closet tippler, end the evening

deep in a Beethoven quartet.”

Posted in Culture | 1 Comment

Umbrellas

Friends, I wish to bring up a question I find most vexing, a question

I shouldered yesterday at the same moment as I raised my Japanese golfing

umbrella to the heavens in the face of an unexpected rainstorm.

Now as most of you know, I have a day job in the financial district,

working Monday to Friday in the World Financial Center. Some of you don’t

have day jobs, but take it from me, they’re not hard to understand. The

idea is that the place you work and the place you live are two different

places; that you travel to the former from the latter in the morning,

and retrace your steps in the afternoon. The vast majority of people in

the financial district on any given weekday fall into this category; the

remainder are generally tourists who have come to gawk at the Statue of

Liberty and carrying a chip on their shoulder about not having got a place

on the first ferry of the day to Liberty island. (Only the first ferryload

per day is allowed up to the crown.)

So what I wonder is this. How can it be that you never see people with

umbrellas if it isn’t raining, but everybody seems to have an umbrella

if it is?

I hope you see where I’m coming from here. If it’s not raining in the

morning, you don’t see people with umbrellas. But come the afternoon,

when they leave their offices for the commute back home, they all seem

to have procured one. Where do all these umbrellas come from? They’re

not the three-dollar jobs you buy on street corners, they’re the really

large golfing umbrellas which are 90% of the width of the sidewalk and

which generate a ballet of ducking and arm-raising between the sorts of

people who are normally at pains to avoid each others’ eyes. It would

probably be really quite amusing to watch if it weren’t for the fact that

it was pissing it down with freezing rain a few drops of which have managed

to make their way down the inside of your collar and are meandering down

your spine, soaking your shirt and rapidly approaching the waistband of

your underwear.

You can see why people want those big umbrellas, though. You take one

of the little black numbers out into any self-respecting New York storm,

and it will be torn to shreds within five minutes. Not that a shredded

umbrella really affords much more protection than one fresh from the little

Asian woman from whom you bought it: the lashings of near-horizontal rain

mean that it will protect one small spot on the back of your head if you’re

lucky. Even with a monstrous motherfucker of an umbrella everything below

your thighs can be considered write-off territory.

But anyway, the logistics of umbrellas. We assume that people only have

a finite number of the things. Now if you work in the corporate communications

department of a bulge-bracket investment bank, you can simply nab yourself

a freebie umbrella any time it rains from the dedicated storeroom downstairs.

But most people don’t have access to such a treasure trove.

Which reminds me: the New York Stock Exchange does a roaring trade in

umbrellas. It, like, sells them, for cash, from the little shop the tourists

flock into after taking their free tour. And most of the time, it’s not

even raining. Let me ask you this: do any of you know a single person

who would pay $17.95 plus tax to parade around in the rain with that dreadful

sub-IBM striped logo and the worse slogan “the world puts its stock in

us”? I mean, that ranks below “banking on success” in the world of dreadful

cliched financial puns.

I have a feeling that the people who buy NYSE merchandise fall into

two camps: German tourists, on the one hand, and New Yorkers, on the other.

The former we can safely put to one side, on the grounds that no one has

ever been able to fathom the internal workings of the mind of the German

tourist. The latter we can suppose fall into two categories of their own.

The first would be the poseur, who thinks that if he wears an NYSE sweatshirt

in a nonchalant enough manner while playing frisbee in central park, some

nubile blonde rollerblader will see him and automatically think him loaded

enough to be a possible date. The second would be the die-hard capitalists,

who wear it as a sign of allegiance to the hegemon that is multinational

global capitalism and the longest bull market of the century. In this

respect they’re a bit like the people who wear Tommy Hilfiger t-shirts

because they think they’re cool.

But back to the umbrellas. The point is, there are a lot of asymmetrical

days — days when it’s raining in the morning but not in the afternoon,

or raining in the afternoon even though it was dry in the morning. Don’t

the people who take their umbrellas into work in the morning take them

back home in the afternoon even if it’s stopped raining? But you never

see them, these hordes with their rolled-up umbrellas. Maybe they leave

them at work — that would explain where all the umbrellas come from on

the days when it starts raining around midday.

But how do they know? How many umbrellas would you need to own to make

sure that you’ll always have one at home if you need it and one at work

if you need it? I mean, what if there are, like, four or five days in

a row where it rains in the afternoon but not the morning? How many umbrellas

can you reasonably keep in the office until everybody thinks you’re a

complete nutcase? And have you ever seen offices filled with umpteen umbrellas?

I don’t know. Maybe there’s a roaring trade in people biking their umbrellas

back home in the middle of the day when they realise they won’t be needing

them that afternoon. Or maybe these umbrellas all dismantle, like those

rifles you see in movies, and pack up into a common-looking briefcase.

I can see it now — the first thing you learn when you come out of your

MBA programme and you start your job at Goldman Sachs is how to dismantle

and put back together again a full-sized umbrella in less than 15 seconds.

Get it done in single figures and you automatically get a job on the bond-trading

desk; take more than half a minute and you’re a junior equities analyst

for at least a year.

Friends, there’s a whole world out there we have no idea about. Go out

there and explore it, I implore you! And tell me where the umbrellas go

when it isn’t raining.

Posted in Humour | 2 Comments

The art of gift giving

I have an old LP at home, I can’t play it, because I don’t have a

record player. But it’s sitting there all the same, a 12-inch plastic

pill which never fails to make me happy when I’m feeling blue. It’s

a recording of Shostakovich’s 10th symphony, the final movement of

which is one of the most uplifting pieces of music ever written.

The funny thing is, you can’t short-cut it. If you try to just play

the final movement, it doesn’t have anywhere near the same effect.

It’s like going to see a Lars

von Trier film: the ending is only devastating because you’ve

been through the beginning with him.

It’s the same with presents, at least a certain type of present,

given to a certain type of person in New York or London. I’m thinking

of glamorous twentysomethings here, the sort of people who are often

seen sporting a Gucci lariat chain or a Tiffany dog-tag bracelet.

Wearing the jewelry, or the Prada sunglasses, or the Burberry bikini,

is just the final movement in the symphony. Beforehand must come the

giving itself, which has to be imbued with the perfect combination

of occasion and diffidence. The giver has to make the givee feel important

and special, but also has to be careful not to build the whole thing

up so much that the gift itself becomes anticlimactic.

Then there’s the really crucial part, the presentation of the gift.

There are more glamorous places to find jewelry than Tiffany, there

are higher-quality sunglasses than those found at Prada. But nowhere

else has the branding that these places do.

The branding is a multi-layered thing, which includes everything

from name-dropping in Brett Easton Ellis novels to glossy advertisements

in Vanity Fair. But a crucial part of it is the gift-wrapping, the

perfect presentation of every present in beautiful branded boxes.

There’s something very un-English about all this, it must be said.

I grew up feeling that even if a gift was simply bought at a shop,

there was always a personal touch in the wrapping. Getting the store

to wrap your present for you would be like typing a birthday card.

I suppose it’s the genius of Tiffany and Gucci that they have managed

to transcend the bathos of in-store wrapping and turn it into what

is probably the most important part of the gift. The eggshell-blue

box, the silver embossed logo, the layers of tissue paper: all these

serve to bring the recipient into a state of perfect heightened sensitivity

to whatever lies inside. Done properly (and it’s always done

properly), this kind of presentational foreplay to a large degree

makes the actual present inside irrelevant. Whatever it is, it will

be the climax to the act of unwrapping, emotionally spotlit, the center

of attention.

We’re all familiar with the idea that it’s the thought that counts.

As consumerists, however, we also understand that actually, the gift

itself is pretty important too.

But the true genius of the way in which certain luxury brands refract

our postmodern society is only fully revealed when we finally realise

that it’s not the thought, and it’s not the gift: it’s the wrapping

that really matters.

Posted in Culture | Comments Off on The art of gift giving

Dancer in the Dark

The vast majority of the people I know in New York seem to have both

seen and loved Dancer in the Dark. But one or two have hated it,

including Jonathan Foreman, of the New York Post.

One of Jonathan’s theories is that the reason it’s gone down

so well is that the Upper West Side intelligentsia never normally goes

to tear-jerker., When they do, and especially when the film says "Palm

D’Or Winner" and "Lars von Trier" on it, our sheltered

cinephiles assume that whatever they’re watching must be Good Art.

There might be something to this theory — I can think of no other

reason why Philadelphia would have won any Oscars, or been so broadly

admired. But I have to say, I think the real reason that people love the

film so much is because it’s really good.

Anyway, this is what Jonathan has

to say in the New York Post. I’m reprinting it here, in blatant

violation of Rupert Murdoch’s copyright; apologies, Rupert.

DRECK DRESSED AS ART

Friday,September 22,2000

By JONATHAN FOREMAN

————————————————————————

DANCER IN THE DARK

Lars von Trier’s controversial musical tragedy is manipulative

schlock decked out in the trappings of art.Running time: 139 minutes.

Rated R. Lincoln Plaza, Union Square, City Cinemas.IF it weren’t

for a terrific central performance by the Icelandic pop singer Bjork,

“Dancer in the Dark” would be all but unwatchable. As it is, the controversial

winner of the Palme D’Or at this year’s Cannes Film Festival – which

opens tonight’s NewYork Film Festival at Lincoln Center – is as meretricious

a piece of fakery as ever beguiled a festival audience.

Kitschy schlock gussied up with the trappings of artsiness

and buttressed with canned anti-American politics, it shares nothing

with Lars von Trier’s powerful “Breaking the Waves” – except another

dim child-woman heroine who destroys herself in an avoidable act of

self-sacrifice.

It’s so unrelenting in its manipulative sentimentality

that, if it had been made by an American and shot in a more conventional

manner, it would be seen as a bad joke.

Its musical and dance sequences are so poorly performed

and shot, they work neither as homage to the genre nor as an ironical

deconstruction of it.

Worse still, the whole story groans with cheap irony and

is laced with a superficial, reflexive anti-Americanism: If the story

makes any sense at all, it’s as a heavy-handed indictment of America’s

failure to provide free health care and legal services – not to mention

its use of the death penalty, its fascination with guns, its crass anticommunism,

etc.

The place is the American Northwest; the time, the early

’60s. Selma (Bjork) is an immigrant from Czechoslovakia who works in

an East European-looking factory that churns out tin trays 24 hours

a day. Though she tries to hide it, she is gradually going blind, thanks

to a hereditary condition, and only the help of her best friend, Kathy

(Catherine Deneuve), prevents her from losing her job.

Unknown to anyone, Selma is secretly saving her wages

from the factory to pay for an operation that will ensure her 12-year-old

son, Gene, who doesn’t know he has inherited the condition, keeps his

sight. As her vision fails, she starts to work double shifts at the

factory, while continuing to rehearse for her role as Maria in the local

production of “The Sound of Music.”

Exhausted, she daydreams constantly, and in those dreams,

people around her behave just like the people in her beloved musicals,

suddenly bursting into song and dance.

“In a musical, nothing dreadful ever happens,” says Selma

– who presumably never saw “West Side Story.” As if to underline the

point that the traditional musical is a kind of cultural opiate designed

to distract people from dreadful reality, Selma’s real life is shot

in dreary video; the dream sequences are shot in luxurious color.

Then things really start going wrong. Her seemingly nice

landlord (David Morse) turns out to be a monster, or at least a man

driven by financial pressures and a wife’s boundless consumerism to

commit a terrible crime. (That’s capitalism for you.) His act prompts

Selma to make a series of disastrous and increasingly ridiculous choices

that land her on death row.

In “Breaking the Waves,” you understood why Emily Watson’s

character behaved the way she did. Here, the female victim-martyr suffers

mainly to serve the requirements of an absurd plot that could come straight

out of a particularly sentimental Victorian novel (think the death of

Dickens’ “Little Nell”).

With the exception of Bjork’s extraordinary turn as Selma

and Deneuve’s raw performance as Kathy, the acting is of extremely variable

quality. And von Trier’s use of 100 cameras in the dance sequences fails

to produce imagery of any particular beauty or interest.

First, we must note what Jonathan didn’t write, even accounting

for space considerations. He didn’t write that Bjork, as well as

turning in an amazing performance for any actress, let alone a first-time

one, also manages the unprecedented act of writing and performing all

her own songs in the film. She was intimately involved in the whole thing,

and the seamlessness of the songs, the performance, and her performance

of the songs is part of what makes the film great. Now I love the soundtrack

CD, and I think the songs are amazing quite regardless of how good the

film is. But it does seem a bit much to review a musical without ever

mentioning the songs.

But what did our friend write? We’ll excuse him the headline, which

was probably the work of someone else. But that doesn’t excuse much.

First, we get "manipulative schlock decked out in the trappings of

art." I don’t know what Jonathan considers

"the trappings of art," but it’s not exactly what I saw

up on screen. Beautifully-framed shots? No, none of those in sight, except

for maybe a couple of cut-aways in the musical sequences. Portentious

pretentiousness? None of that either. Any time the film threatens to come

close, it rescues itself with a musical sequence.

No, I think what Jonathan means when he talks of his "trappings"

is no more and no less than the whole Dogma look — the hand-held

camera, the muted colours of digital video, the lack of a soundtrack (itself

revolutionary in a musical). I know this isn’t officially a Dogma

film, but there’s definitely a lot of that ethos in there. And while

Dogma might be an art-house movement, I hardly consider it fair to reverse-engineer

the look, as it were, and call it art.

One word about the hand-held camera: a colleague of mine got quite nauseous

watching the film, and certainly it took a bit of getting used to. One

would think that after the spate of Dogma films, not to mention The

Blair Witch Project, we’d be used to it by now. But it would seem

that the disorienting effect is still there. I think it worked to better

effect in Breaking the Waves, where the jerkiness and confusion

at the beginning was slowly transformed into beatific still shots at the

end.

Breaking the Waves was much more of a work of art than Dancer

in the Dark, I think. It had a structure and an overarching theme

and characters and got you thinking profound thoughts about human nature

— whereas Dancer is both less and more. I don’t think

it’s really capable of changing one’s life in the way that Breaking

the Waves could and did. But it’s also more personally touching

than that film: Selma is a more sympathetic character than Emily Watson’s

Bess.

While it’s true, as Jonathan points out, that the two films are

similar in many ways, ultimately Selma’s motivation is comprehensible

without recourse to supernatural interventions, which has to make her

actions that much easier to understand. And while Selma’s refusal

to break the late Bill’s confidence on the witness stand is incomprehensible,

her conviction that her son’s sight is more important than her being

able to spend the rest of her life behind bars is not.Virtually all Bess’s

actions, on the other hand, make no rational sense at all.

That’s why you’ve got to laugh, really, when you read that

Emily Watson’s behaviour in Breaking the Waves was understandable,

whereas Bjork’s in Dancer are not; that the latter, indeed,

has an "absurd plot." The idea that having pathologically suicidal

promiscuous sex could cure one’s husband of a fatal injury is not

absurd, then. Yet the idea that a mother would sacrifice herself for her

son’s well-being is ridiculous. I’m not saying the plot is a

paragon of verisimilitude: I’m just saying this is a Lars von Trier

film. Udo Kier is much more realistic here than he is as a 12 foot tall

newborn baby in The Kingdom, I can tell you that much.

Anyway, we must move on to Jonathan’s next brickbat, "unwatchable."

I don’t know what that means, at least not insofar as it can’t

be applied to any Dogma-ethos film. But never mind, he’s running

on: "as meretricious a piece of fakery as ever beguiled a festival

audience." Oh, you know those festival audiences, so easily swayed

by superficiality and fakery; we, of course, know better.

But "meretricious"? That’s an interesting word to use,

especially considering that later on in the review the film is panned

for its "East European looking factory" and its "dreary

video." I mean, make your mind up, Foreman: is this a showy piece

of style over substance, or is this a badly-put-together piece of dullness?

I guess it’s the former: you do go on to call it "kitschy schlock

gussied up with the trappings of artiness." It’s not kitschy;

I don’t think it’s possible for a film shot on handheld video

with a colour palette of browns and greys to be kitschy. As for the schlock,

yes, well, there’s definitely tears being jerked. But hello?

It’s a musical, ferchrissakes! The musical form is inherently schlocky.

I defy you to say your heart didn’t jump at least a little bit when

Joel Grey started tap-dancing on the judge’s desk in the courtroom.

That’s a great scene of musical cinema, and no more schlocky than

any number of scenes from, oh, say A Clockwork Orange. The problem

here is not Upper West Siders unable to tear themselves from a tearjerker.

No, I think the real problem is much more likely to be overly cynical

film reviewers failing to take a Joel Grey tapdancing scene on its own,

perfectly obvious, perfectly superficial, and perfectly fabulous merits.

But I love the "gussied". Ties in nicely with the "meretricious".

The "canned anti-American politics" is really the sort of thing

which only a former New York Post leader-writer, espying reds under every

bed, could ever see in this film. A Czech woman leaves her beloved homeland

for the United States because only here can she get the necessary medical

treatment for her son — treatment, incidentally, which is provided

by a compatriot who presumably left for similar reasons. And what does

this show? That’s right, the mercilessness of the American healthcare

system. Huh?

Selma makes a comment, which we never hear, about her still loving her

homeland — this is 1964, remember — and the film is now anti-anti-communist.

She makes another comment about Bill keeping his gun in the house, just

because she is very concerned on the grounds he’s told her he’s

thinking of killing himself. Presto, the film is anti-gun. She is unjustly

hanged, and it’s anti death penalty. Well, I’ll grant you that

it’s anti the death penalty, but there isn’t exactly a surfeit

of films in favour. All films with the death penalty in them are against

it, pretty much. And quite right too.

The review even manages to imply that portraying musicals as "a

kind of cultural opiate designed to distract people from dreadful reality"

is somehow anti-American. I mean, I might have lost the scathing neo-realist

subtext of Guys and Dolls, but isn’t that the whole point

of Hollywood? The difference between the scenes in rapidly-deteriorating

real life and those in Selma’s rich imagination is just that, Jonathan,

it’s not an oblique swipe at the entire output of the American film

industry. The rehearsals for The Sound of Music are shot lovingly;

you can almost imagine them being dropped into an Alan Ayckbourne film.

They’re not eviscerating a backwards community’s pathetic attempt

to reproduce the glamour of Hollywood.

The story "groans with cheap irony"? Once again, Jonathan,

it’s a musical. All musicals groan with cheap irony, or at

least use it. I don’t think this one groans: is it cheap when Bill

pretends to shut the door behind him but stays instead in the trailer?

It’s perfectly justifiable dramatic irony, I think: we see, quite

literally, something our heroine can’t. You’ve simply decided

that the film’s irony is "groaning" just because you don’t

like the film.

"Unrelenting in its manipulative sentimentality?" I’ll

give you that one, at least as far as the second half of the film is concerned.

And, like you, I abjure such films, as a rule. But this is the exception.

And the musical sequences being poorly performed and shot? That’s

an interesting one. They certainly didn’t pack the punch of the ones

we saw Selma enjoying so much in the cinema, or even the ones in Woody

Allen’s Everyone Says I Love You. But at the same time, there

was a rawness to them which nicely complemented Bjork’s singing voice.

Personally, I could have done with a bit more polish, but what do you

expect on a budget of $12 million?

Even allowing for the fact that I’ve allowed myself much more space than

you are given, I think my attitudes towards the film are more subtle than

yours. I don’t rate it as highly as I do Breaking the Waves;

on that we can agree. I do, however, rate it higher than Crime and

Punishment in Suburbia, a forgettable teen flick notable only for

some intermittently cool photography, to which you gave a higher rating.

And yes, it’s even better than Gladiator, which you gave the

highest rating of any recent film you’ve reviewed, and which is mainly

notable for a great final performance from Oliver Reed and some CGI which

probably cost more per sequence than all of Dancer put together.

I guess I’m just confused about why Dancer is such a polarizing

film. Everybody I know either loves it or hates it, with roughly equal

amounts of vehemence on either side. Everybody but Amy, interestingly

enough, who has a lot of good things to say about the film even if she

giggled at the end. Maybe, in time, it’s going to turn out to be

one of those films like Eyes Wide Shut, which with hindsight turn

out not to be as bad as their detractors said, and not as great as their

cheerleaders would have had them either. And maybe, like with Eyes

Wide Shut, a lot of the negative reaction to Dancer is really

a negative reaction to the hype that preceded it — enough, already

of the hagiographies in the New York Times Magazine!

Next time Lars von Trier releases a film, let it be a sleeper.

Let me know what you think;

I’ll post all comments here.

From: Geens, Stefan

Sent: Wednesday, October 11, 2000 5:22 PM

To: Salmon, Felix

Subject: RE: Dancer in the Dark

The weird thing both with Jonathan’s and the New Republic’s

efforts are the unusually high number of sound bite-able derisive phrases

used to describe Dancer in the Dark. The problem with this technique

is that it is very easy just to retort “no it’s not,” and that’s the

end of the productive phase of the debate.

Jonathan needs to reconcile his dislike for the movie

with the fact that many normally stoic people who never cry in movies

ended up in tears at the end of Dancer and had the movie haunt them

for days afterwards. That kind of reaction to a film happens much too

rarely these days for Jonathan to be able to say that the Upper West

Side and most of Europe is being duped by a bad film.

In fact, denying the reality of a widespread intense

emotional reaction to the movie suggests that his definition of what’s

good art has not progessed to include the range of techniques used by

Von Trier and the empathic acting of Bjork that together result in an

enormous sense of doomed fragility about Selma. I understand that art

is not what the most people say it is, but in this case people aren’t

just saying it, they are feeling it too.

As an aside, I don’t usually like musicals–But Dancer

in the Dark is not so much a musical as a film about Selma’s use of

musicals to escape the harshest parts of her existence, and Von Trier

ensures that during the musical numbers we know we are witnessing her

flights of the imagination. It turns the concept of the musical from

a very literal and naive storytelling technique to an essential way

of explaining the subjective moods of the story’s protagonist. Cool,

that.

Posted in Film | 2 Comments

Patria

Are New Yorkers becoming Parisians?

It started in my friendly local bike shop, Bike Works on Ridge St.

Me: Hi there.

Me: Hi there.

Me: Excuse me.

Man: (Looks up.)

Me: I was wondering if you had any bike helmets.

Man: No.

Me: Oh, right. Well, do you have any ideas for where I should go to get

one?

Man: Maybe in a couple of weeks.

Me: But if I wanted one now, where should I go?

Man: A bike shop.

But it only got worse with my arrival at Patria, hitherto my favourite

restaurant in New York. It seemed to me to exemplify the best of New World

cuisine — innovative fusions of Latin tastes with classic French techniques;

friendly, unhurried and not obsequious service; airy high ceilings; an

excellent cocktail bar; a fabulous wine list; etc., etc.

Then, however, I started hearing reports that it had moved to quite

a steep prix-fixe system, and that it was getting a bit full of itself.

They were right — the restaurant now seems much more interested in self-glorification

than in giving its diners the best possible experience.

It started well — the woman who took the reservations was very friendly.

When I later asked if I could put it back from 9 to 10, it took a while

but was done again in a very friendly way. But as soon as our party entered

the restaurant, it all started going downhill.

The maitre d’ first announced that I was not allowed into the restaurant

on the grounds that I was wearing shorts. Never mind that there was a

heatwave going on outside, never mind that I would be sitting at a table

all evening with my legs safely out of view, never mind that these were

very smart, below-the-knee corduroy long shorts — almost knickerbockers,

really. No, rules is rules, and I wasn’t allowed in. Now sometimes, especially

recently, I’ve been dressing it down. But not last night. I had Gucci

loafers on, a Prada top; I was certainly just as presentable as anyone

else.

I wasn’t fussed, to be frank, but I think the very fact that I was so

good-natured about it helped sow the seeds of later snubs. I think most

New Yorkers would be expected to harrumph and walk out to one of the multitude

of other restaurants on Park Ave S, and I think with hindsight that the

restaurant was a bit pissed off at us that we didn’t. Rather, I took up

their offer of a pair of checkered chef’s trousers — they went rather

well with my top, actually — and went to enjoy my mate Matt’s final dinner

in New York.

And the food was stupendous, and the wine was mind-blowingly good, and

the busboys were very good at keeping our water glasses filled. (Although

this did involve running off to get a second bottle of water which they

then charged us for despite the fact that no one had ordered it — had

they asked if we wanted another, we would have said yes, but they didn’t

ask.)

We didn’t really have a waiter, though, which was a bit disconcerting

— it seemed to be a different person every time. One person came along

and recited the specials; he seemed quite nice, but we never saw him again.

We asked someone else whether they might be able to come up with an alternative

to the prix fixe for Camilla — she never eats all that much at the best

of times, and had already had quite a large lunch, and only wanted an

appetizer — they’d go and ask the maitre d’, who of course came over

and told us that rules is rules, etc. The woman who took our order was

particularly dour, and seemed to spend most of her time inspecting the

corner of the table.

The appetizers were delicious, but they were quite large, and we certainly

could have done with more than three seconds to digest them before the

main courses appeared in front of us. We had a late booking, so they didn’t

need to rush us out to fit another party in after us; as it was, none

of us came close to finishing our entrees.

And when the entrees went, so did everything else — water glasses,

half-finished cocktails, everything — which again just gave the impression

of rushing us. By this point, all the people at the tables around us had

finished their meals and had left (there were others still eating on the

other side of the restaurant); could we have an ashtray? I’ll go ask the

maitre d’. Of course, we knew what was coming — rules is rules; no.

By this point, we were all convinced that they didn’t like us. Which

is stunning, really, in an American restaurant — I can’t recall ever

feeling that way in New York, although it’s much more common in Europe.

The deserts were amazing, it almost goes without saying, but there was

a sour taste in the air. We didn’t order coffee, we left a small tip,

I went to the bathroom to change back into my shorts, and we exited into

the hotter, more humid, more polluted, but definitely less stuffy atmosphere

of Park Avenue South.

Posted in Restaurants | 1 Comment

On giving to charity

Steven Landsburg, the “armchair economist”, wrote a piece on the internet about how everybody should give all their charitable contributions to one charity. Read it, and then read my reply:

Steven —

You’re right, your theory on giving to charities is certainly thought-provoking. But I think it’s also disingenuous, and not just for the obvious reason that charitable giving is patently not a purely selfless act. (Charitable contributions would be much lower if it were.)

I think the big flaw in your argument is the presumption that charitable giving is zero-sum: that, in your mathematical terminology, delta x + delta y + delta z must be constant. I have absolutely no idea where you get this premise from; it certainly doesn’t correspond to anybody I know. “starving children and cancer research are surely conflicting values,” you write, “because every dollar you give to one is a dollar you didn’t give to the other.”

This is simply false. Every dollar I spend on rent, every dollar I put into my retirement plan, every dollar I spend on a cup of coffee in the morning is a dollar I didn’t give to starving children, but that doesn’t make starving children and morning coffee conflicting values.

I, and others, are great fans of public radio, and do give money to our local NPR stations. But I would be surprised if one in a thousand of us thought that NPR was the most deserving place for our money. (Think of those starving children again.) And no matter how much money we give to starving children, even in aggregate, we NPR donors are never going to ameliorate the situation of starving children so much that NPR will become more deserving than the kids. So if we all took your advice, none of us would ever give any money to NPR. And we don’t want that, because it would mean NPR going off the air.

Well, I can see you say, in that case your giving to NPR is not truly a charitable gift — you’re doing it in your own self-interest, because you want to be able to continue to listen to Morning Edition. What I say to that is that yes, my gift to NPR is self-serving, but that doesn’t mean it’s not charitable.

Charitable giving is a complex thing, and I really don’t think it can be reduced to mathematical formulae, at least not formulae as simple as the ones you put forward. The fact is that most people find it easier to give $50 to three charities than to give $150 to one. That might be economically irrational, but it’s true.

Let me give you one last thought experiment. Let’s say for the sake of argument that you’re right, and that charitable giving is zero-sum. Let’s say I’m going to give $1000 to charity this year. And let’s say I’ve decided that the best place for that money to go is cancer research. Now because of time value of money considerations, I should really give all the money to cancer research at the beginning of the year, so I do.

And then there’s a huge earthquake in Honduras, and it’s dreadful, and people are starving and suffering there to such a degree that it becomes obvious to me that their plight puts them higher up the scale than the cancer research charity. What now? Either you’re right, charitable giving is zero-sum, and I give them nothing. This is obviously a bad outcome both for them and for me, as I’m unhappy that the most deserving people didn’t get my $1000. Or else you’re wrong, and charitable giving is not zero-sum, and I find $500 somewhere and send them off. I do hope that you’re wrong.

Posted in Culture, Finance | 1 Comment

Notes on campaign finance

Aditya Chakrabortty was kind enough to draw my attention to a piece in the Washington Post about George W Bush’s money situation.

The numbers are mind-blowingly scary, it’s true. George Bush has already spent $64 million, not counting the millions of dollars his supporters have spent running ads they paid for themselves. He’s getting another $67 million in federal funds, still has $6 million in the bank, and wants to raise another $20 million before the Republican convention in the summer, and will probably continue with fund-raising to some degree all the way to November. Let’s be conservative and say $150 million total.

Now I know that children, felons, green card holders, etc. can’t vote, and turnout is dreadfully low in presidential elections, but let’s put all that to one side and say that the population of the USA is 270 million. We’re still talking more than 55 cents per person. Remember, this is just one candidate. Add in the Gore campaign, plus what McCain and Bradley spent, plus all the House and Senate campaigns (especially the New York Senate campaign, which is going to break all manner of fund-raising records) and you’re talking insane total expenditure.

(I know you’re all getting sick of these comparisons, but bear with me one more time: Ken Livingstone wants less than half a million quid for his campaign, to reach 8 million Londoners; in US money, that’s still less than a dime per person.)

What I can never understand is why so many people give so much money to these campaigns. I mean, I’m a Gore fan, but I can’t imagine giving him money; and the prospect of anybody at all dipping into their pockets to donate to the Hillary campaign just boggles my mind. (I’d vote Rudy if I had the vote in New York: it would get him out of City Hall a year early, give Mark Green the incumbency, which he needs to get the mayoralty, and elect a Senator who would certainly stand up for New York City even as he could do very little harm on a national scale. Senators have much less power than the mayor of New York, and in any case Rudy is very liberal on abortion, gays, immigration, etc.)

But I’m also a fan of the First Amendment, and I believe that no campaign-finance law will really be able to work. Just as those Texans spent their own money on their own ads and therefore weren’t official donors to the Bush campaign, people will always have to be allowed to do their own thing.

What worries me is that US politics will eventually spill over into the UK. We’ve already gone presidential, first with Blair and now with Ken — politics of personality and all that; now we’re moving on to the “give me money!” stage. It’s only a matter of time until politicians start buying ads on television.

Posted in Politics | 1 Comment

Notes on jaundice

When I was growing up, I used to get extremely excited whenever a letter arrived for me in the mail. Just as I could never understand why grown-ups didn’t just eat Mars bars the whole time, I couldn’t comprehend how they weren’t overjoyed at the reams of colourful envelopes which would pour through the mailbox on a regular basis.

I have to say that I still do take a kind of perverse pleasure in receiving junk mail; I think it’s the same part of my psyche which loves watching the home shopping channels on the television. But I know that according to received wisdom, I’m part of the exception, not the rule. We all hate junk mail, right?

It’s interesting that a large part of the American population actually seems to like receiving junk mail. They tick the boxes asking to be put on to mailing lists, not the ones asking to be taken off. But you don’t really hear these people talking about it in polite company. It’s one of those views, like homophobia, say, or a fondness for the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber, which many more people hold than admit to.

But it’s weird, isn’t it. Jaundice is meant to be a bad thing, right? We’re all meant to be increasingly proud of our post-ironic status, but a childish (ie, genuine) love for junk mail is still shameful. And there I was, proclaiming my hatred of chain hotels long before I actually hated them.

Then I flew back to New York from Belize, and was informed by the check-in person that because the flight was delayed I would have to spend the night in Dallas. I know there was a time when I would have secretly loved the idea of an airline putting me up in a hotel for a night, but this time I really shuddered at the thought. All I wanted to do was to get home to my bed.

So what’s going on here? On the one hand, I am honestly getting in touch (or touchingly getting honest, or something) with my post-ironic love for Britney and QVC, yet on the other hand I actually felt good that I wanted something noble like Home rather than something fake like an airport hotel.

I think there are maybe two possible explanations here. The first is that I felt good because my feelings had finally fallen into line with my expressed opinions; I didn’t need to feel like I was lying any more when I said I hated airport hotels.

The second is that disapproval of jaundice applies only to jaundice about real things, and not about fake things. So jaundice about airport hotels or junk mail or Mars bars is fine. Even things like trendy New York bars are fake enough that it’s cool to be jaundiced about them.

But the question then arises: What is real? What is the set of things such that jaundice towards them is a bad thing? I mean, calling someone jaundiced is still pejorative, right? But give me specific examples! I’m beginning to think that jaundice is one of those bugaboos which everybody hates but which doesn’t really exist. What do you think?

Posted in Culture | 1 Comment

Eyes Wide Shut

So yes, I went to see Eyes Wide Shut last night. In a nutshell, it’s

an incredible film. One of the best films by one of the best directors

ever. Now it’s not everyone’s cup of tea — David Plotz, in Slate, called

it “a somnolent load of wank” — although I suspect that was more to get

himself noticed than it was a considered opinion.

Kubrick’s last film, Full Metal Jacket, grossed barely twice in its

total run what Eyes Wide shut made in its first weekend. But EWS is a

much more difficult film. It’s probably closer to Greenaway’s The Cook,

The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover than it is to FMJ. The Kubrick film

it most closely resembles is 2001. Both of them have extremely long-duration

shots filmed indoors with very unnatural light; the initial party scene

nods its head a couple of times to that weird star-child bit at the end

of 2001.

Lighting is artificial throughout, both in terms of light-source (the

only outdoors scenes take place at night) and in terms of filmic artifice

— think, once again, The Cook The Thief. There are stunning shots bathed

in red, or in blue; multi-coloured christmas trees glow throughout. The

dialogue, too, especially that of Nicole Kidman, is hyperreal — certainly

not naturalistic, but closer to David Mamet, say, than Quentin Tarantino.

Which is probably as good a point as any to say that Nicole Kidman not

only gives what is undoubtedly the best performance of her career (that’s

not saying very much, even though she was excellent in To Die For) but

what I’d say is one of the greatest pieces of acting ever. Pretty much

the entire film rests on a tour-de-force monologue of hers, delivered

slumped up against a radiator in panties and a see-through slip, wherein

the effect of a joint is to make her confess to her husband that she had

fantasies about a naval officer once when they were on hoiday. It’s incredible

— I can’t, off the top of my head, think of any scene in cinema which

approaches it for quality of acting.

And Kidman is not the only person giving the performance of her life.

Fay Masterson (no, I’d never heard of her either) gives an equally good

performance in a relatively small role as the distraught daughter of one

of Cruise’s dead patients. And the supporting acting from Syndney Pollack,

Todd Field and Alan Cumming is excellent.

But Kidman excepted, all the women in this film are little more than

sex objects — objects of Cruise’s (Kubrick’s?) desire — even the teenage

daughter of a man from whom Cruise rents a costume for the film’s centerpiece,

the masked ball.

The ball itself has come in for a lot of criticism. It takes to new

lengths the artifice of the whole film. EWS is based on a book set in

fin-de-siecle Vienna, and retains that city’s vibe; there’s really nothing

New York about it. I mean, when have you ever seen groups of homophobic

street thugs and street-corner prostitutes in Greenwich Village? The only

really NY thing about the film is Cruise’s umbilical attachment to his

StarTac.

The ball is set in a large manor house in Long Island, and is straight

out of Edgar Allan Poe. (The film resonates with literary touches; there’s

certainly a resemblace of the central couple to the stoned holidaymakers

in Ian McEwan’s The Comfort of Strangers.) The women are naked, the men

all in tuxes — stop me if you’ve heard this before — and there’s a lot

of fucking going on. (But never fear; our delicate sensibilities have

been saved by the MPAA, who’ve inserted various motionless figures in

the foreground so that we don’t see anything too risque.)

The key thing about the ball is that it is so far removed from reality

that it approaches a dreamlike state — just as Kidman’s dream (wherein

she fucks numerous men and laughs at her husband) is real enough to send

Cruise off onto his nocturnal adventure in the first place. (Think Scorsese’s

After Hours — incidentally, my least favourite Scorsese film.)

And structurally, the ball is central to the film. Literally, as well

— it is the film’s climax, but it appears slap-bang in the center of

the film (you don’t realise this at first viewing, because it’s a long

film) with all the other scenes arranged symmetrically around it: every

scene before is mirrored on the other side. The structure is really quite

complicated, and I’m going to have to see the film again to really understand

how it’s put together. Because as we revisit all the places Cruise went

before the ball, they’re all subtly changed — the big artificially-lit

house at the beginning now has natural light; the playfully sexual teenage

daughter is now a prostitute; the prostitute has been replaced with her

friend (in a very erotic scene); the piano player has disappeared; the

woman who survives a drug overdose has died of another drug overdose.

The arch-like structure of the film (and NB a couple of references within

it to rainbows) is extremely uncommon in cinema, although it’s perfectly

usual in music. It’ll take a bit of getting used to, but we can do that

for Stanley.

This is definitely not an instant-gratification film; it’s one which

requires multiple viewings. The camerawork is stunning, of course, as

it is in every Kubrick film; and everything else — every thing in every

frame — is placed there, for a reason. The film is very good at creating

tension in the audience, but that’s not the *point*, like it might have

been in The Shining. The lighting, the camerawork, the dialogue, the music

(once again, a Kubrick strong point — a Ligeti piano piece echoes through

the second half to devastating effect) — these are all great in themselves,

but also add up to a greater whole which I must admit eludes me after

just one viewing.

As with any innovative work of art of whatever quality, it’s easy to

laugh at this film if you’re so inclined. And some of the sold-out-an-hour-in-advance-despite-the-fact-that-it-was-a-late-show-on-a-Monday-night

audience with whom I saw it certainly had difficulty coping with some

of the rawer moments — there was quite a bit of nervous giggling going

on, to break up the tension. Yes, the film is over the top in many ways

and it certainly doesn’t reflect real life, real domseticity, real New

York or anything like that. I’m not sure whether it really reflects sexual

jealousy, never having been there myself. What I am sure of is that this

is a great film. It’s going to be one of those films, like Goodfellas

or Pulp Fiction or Breakfast at Tiffany’s, which are watched over and

over again by people who love them and who love cinema. I don’t know what

they’ll get out of it — I’m not sure what I got out of it, and I’m sure

I’ll get a lot more once I’ve seen it again — but I do know that there’s

definitely something there.

A final word about Tom Cruise — he’s not a great actor, and he’s not

ideal for the part, and he does have a huge role, appearing in nearly

every scene. I think it’s a testament to Kubrick that the film is so great

despite the fact that Cruise is in many ways not believable — when he

drinks Budweiser out of the can, when he feels up a prostitute, when he

throws hundred-dollar bills in all directions in an attempt to get into

the ball.

So right now I’m going to have to reserve final judgement — this is

not a film I think you can really judge after just one viewing. But I

would be suspicious of anyone who comes out saying with certainty that

it’s bad. It might be bad, but that’s not something that many people could

justifiably be sure of.

I can’t wait to hear what you thought.

Posted in Film | 2 Comments